Helping Children Deal with Tragedy
My husband and I sat at dinner listening to our 4 kids, ranging from 13 to 4 at the time, talk about how lock downs are practiced at school. They were taught what to do if there is a lock down AND a fire drill at the same time. They discussed if it is different when the fire drill is first, then a lock down happens. We listened and tried to process their reality.
For me, I am used to these types of conversations, because I was a teacher and a school counselor and my students often commented on the various drills we would have. By the way, in AZ we have at least 5 different types of lock down drills as well as the fire, bus, and evacuation drills. The lockdown drills are so widely confusing and different from district to district that most classrooms have a “cheat sheet” as to what each term means and what to do. Terms like, “lockdown”, “Lockout”, “evacuate”, and “shelter” all have different meanings and safety strategies, knowing what to do could mean life or death for your students and yourself.
In my classroom and schools, I have also experienced the real thing on a frighteningly regular basis. From criminals running onto our campus with a loaded gun trying to get away from police to a student experiencing a meltdown and breaking windows. It all became normal and expected.
It broke my heart to hear my 4-year-old talk about staying quiet and that her teacher would protect her from the bad guys. My husband and I sat brokenhearted listening to our youngest explain her understanding of drills, proud that she was listening to directions, all the while disturbed that this is her reality. My 13 and 9-year-old talked about the topic so matter-of-factly; the oddity of this exchange sincerely lost on them. I’m not sure if the gravity of the situation is understood by our second-to-oldest daughter, she is 11-years-old and autistic, but she knows the procedures and what to do. She also knows the alarm hurts her ears. Sound is a common sensory issue for students on the spectrum which will likely escalate the safety risk causing them to not be quiet and create more chaos in an already terrifying situation. Special education teachers have to know exactly how to calm her and deescalate the situation or it could put them at greater risk. What if she isn’t with an adult who knows how to calm her down? What then?
“The coming and going to school was often more dangerous than being at school, but now we can’t honestly tell our children that they are safe at school, we just can’t promise that anymore. ”
We had to pause their conversation and explain that this was not how it used to be. We had fire drills of course, and my husband had earthquake drills, my mother had tornado drills, but a school shooting, never! This was stuff of movies in faraway lands in the “bad neighborhoods”, not something a classmate or neighbor could do to us. The coming and going to school was often more dangerous than being at school, but now we can’t honestly tell our children that they are safe at school, we just can’t promise that anymore.
Just the other day, I dropped off my son at school, we had a rough morning and I was upset with him, and he with me. I hesitated when he left my car and I thought, what if something happens today and this is how we left it. I would never forgive myself.
Then, the other day my husband and I were attempting to watch the news and we quickly realized the heaviness of the stories. El Paso. Epstein. Dayton. Gilroy. I looked at him and said “this is too much, we need to explain this to them first.” He quickly reached for the remote and paused the show. Even as a teacher, who has talked to students about this before, talking to my own kids was another story. I saw another part of their innocence about to be taken away. I saw another part of our world that I desperately wanted to protect them from, but knew avoiding it meant leaving it up to them to understand on their own or worse, to their friends to explain it to them. The topics just felt raw. Mass shootings. Sex trafficking. Racism. Evil. Sadness. Loneliness. Misunderstandings. Abandonment. Loss.
As a mental health advocate, I know most of these situations are caused by undiagnosed mental health issues or likely, trauma. I have compassion where most have condemnation because I only wish someone would have gotten to them sooner. That they had learned about healing, forgiveness, and salvation. Pain, hatred, and hurt left undealt with can manifest as revenge, wrath, and rage. Scripture tells us,
“Don’t try to get revenge for yourselves, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath. It is written, Revenge belongs to me; I will pay it back, says the Lord. –”
If we know God has already won the war against sin and evil, we should have no part in revenge or getting even or settling the score. God’s has already overcome. He has done what He said He was going to do and HE will do what He says He is going to do.
“He will wipe all tears from their eyes, and there will be no more death, suffering, crying, or pain. These things of the past are gone forever. ”
He calls us to empathy and compassion for those who are brokenhearted. Brokenhearted because these tragedies occur on a frequent basis, but also brokenhearted because some grow up with trauma and illness that goes uncared for. We are called to care. We are called to see the unseen and to know the unknown. When I talk to students and my children, I ask them to see the students who are isolating. They are the ones who need us, who need a friend, someone to care if they are alive or dead. Galatians 6:2 states that we are to bear each other’s burdens and through this we will fulfill God’s command.
Luke reminds us of this, which I believe should be mandatory teaching as we raise children.
“Love your enemies, and be good to everyone who hates you. Ask God to bless anyone who curses you, and pray for everyone who is cruel to you. ”
Sometimes the trauma truly goes unnoticed even if people have a loving home and people who care about them. I had trauma. I had a wonderful, Christian family. Parents who were madly in love and a stable home life. I still had trauma. Luckily, I knew God loved me and above all I was His. There are too many out there, young and old, who don’t know the love and compassion of Christ. They don’t have to earn it, you can’t buy it, and they will never be worthy of it. Yet, it is their’s if they choose it.
I leave you with the words in the Book of John. They may not bring the comfort you seek for your children, but they are true. When we set our expectations and realize that this world has been broken since Genesis 3 when Adam and Eve broke the law given to them and created a barrier between us and God. People are broken and in need of a Savior. The world will continue to have wars, crime, desolation, hunger, and any other way Satan can misuse us for his purposes until Jesus comes again. But, we have the love of Christ in us and we are capable of sharing it with others. So, let’s do that.
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” ”
