Could you still be my friend?
Agree to disagree.
Most of us heard this in some form or fashion growing up. I try to teach my students this daily when they come to me with social problems or when they are frustrated with the status quo.
One student came in and was frustrated with the lack of tolerance and understanding of her classmates. When we dug deeper, I found that she had prompted the discussion with a controversial question.
She didn’t understand why she couldn’t ask her classmates a question like that. I asked her if she would still confide in me if she asked me that question and I gave her the answer she didn’t want.
She said, “well, you wouldn’t.”
I said, “are you sure?”
“Could you still respect me and try to see my perspective if I didn’t agree with you or vehemently disagreed with your perspective?
She paused.
I said, “that response is why you can’t ask these questions to people you do not have deep relationships with.”
If the answer dissolves our relationships, we shouldn’t be asking it. Now, if you are ok with dissolving that relationship based on their answer, that’s fine. Just be prepared for that and be ok with it.
I have many people in my life I don’t agree with on everything and many topics that are very controversial, but I love them enough as a person to not allow that to destroy the whole relationship. I also love them enough to find out why we disagree and can understand how they got to that conclusion.
We don’t have to like, agree, or pacify everyone’s opinion, but if you aren’t ready for the answer, maybe it isn’t the right time (or place) to ask it. Start simply with building a foundation of friendship based on commonalities. Then, at a later time you can talk about the harder topics when it won't decimate your relationship.
I told my student, “I have never learned something or grown as a human by being shamed or yelled at. But, I have learned and changed my opinion by watching someone’s living, breathing, or empathetic example.”
If we want people to grow and become more empathic, more understanding, more tolerant, more respectful….then, we need to be that example for them. Teachers and counselors often advise other adults when students are experiencing big emotions, "It's our job to remain calm and clear headed, not join their chaos." In relation to controversial topics, if having the discussion is going to spark chaos, are you clear headed enough and calm enough to not join the chaos of conflict so you can have a productive conversation?
When we ask people to agree with us on topics that are based in personal belief systems, we aren't truly seeking agreement or acceptance, we are seeking to control them. There is a difference in intent. In this example, we are asking them to change their minds. We should be searching for understanding perspectives. Through this approach, we often find out we have more common ground than we thought. You may just find out that you aren't as different as you thought you were.
Conflict in conversations can be an opportunity to grow in understanding and empathy. During the conversation, when you feel yourself heating up, you need to self-evaluate the why. What part of your personal story is experiencing the fight or flight mode and triggering an elevated physical or emotional response? Do you have the learned skills and strategies to de-escalate yourself?
Romans 14:1 As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions.
I personally don't think it is healthy to only have people around you that agree with you. I want people I respect and value to challenge me, to make me stronger, to encourage me to look deeper at all topics. I'm not saying to surround yourself with toxicity, but with people you trust and people you've built relationships with who can sharpen you and make you better.
NIV Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Don't spend your time arguing and in disagreement with those around you, it spreads nothing but isolation, division and resentment. Morgan Freeman said, "Just because I disagree with you doesn’t mean I hate you. We need to relearn that in our society". As a society we need to start living this out. Disagreement ≠ hatred of another person or group. 2 Timothy 2:23-24 reminds us to teach, not fight.
2 Timothy 2:23-24 23 Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. 24 And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.
Spend time building relationships and finding commonalities, loving each other and building authentic community, so we can effectively come together for the common good of one another and ourselves. We are reminded over and over again to love one another, not because they have earned, but because God’s lives us and we definitely do not deserve it! God wins in the end….so why bother fighting when love is more effective?
“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:44-48)
