The trip I was about to embark upon, at the end of May 2023, was a 5 night wilderness adventure with Revelation Wild. Two nights at the base camp, three nights on the mountain, after 10 weeks of training my body and soul. I knew it was going to be difficult. I knew I would be put in a situation that years ago I would have adamantly said “no” to going on; snakes, cold, camping on the ground, being with people I don’t know, using the bathroom in nature, etc. I think it may take me years to explain this seemingly innocent outdoor leadership training program and what it has produced in me.

God moved. BIG.

He changed the perspective of myself. He changed areas in me that I kept private. He fought for my heart in full.

He got it. I’m His.

Whatever He wants, my answer is yes.

I can’t explain all of it in one post. I don’t even have the right words to start accurately describing what happened on that mountain. But this part I need to share because it’s where my story veers left instead of right. It’s where I stopped walking tall and brave and fell to my knees.

It’s where my dreams became unimportant and His plan became imminent and urgent.

The first few days I admired and wondered at His creation. I studied His words and asked Him to speak to me and to reveal His plans for me. I asked Him for answers and how I should respond in situations. I was trying to be patient with His response, yet expectant for an answer. Usually, when I hike, He is so loud. When He speaks during my hikes, I usually cry and look insane to other outdoor adventurers who can’t read my mind.

But this time, out in the Colorado mountains. He was silent. For the first few days.

I was frustrated. Why would He choose now to be silent? I came out here with people I didn’t know, with a trail I hadn’t researched, with food that I didn’t plan, and with no toilet paper….for HIM! Yet, He wasn’t answering me or saying anything.

I know this is some people’s reality with God a lot, silence. For that, I know I sound really selfish and complainy. I wish everyone could hear Him. I wish I could accurately describe how I “hear” Him so other’s could learn to hear Him too. It’s not audible, He’s not burning in a bush (Exodus 3:2) or wrestling me to the ground (Genesis 32:22-32) or talking to me through a donkey (Numbers 22:21-39). When I receive a response from the Holy Spirit, my heart races, my eyes well up, and I have to catch my breathe like someone just knocked the wind out of me. When I’m in nature, surrounded by His masterpiece, I usually receive some sort of communication. This time, He let me remain in my own thoughts.

On the second day of the trip, I confided in one of our leaders, “why won’t he talk to me?” She didn’t offer answers or suggestions or tell me I was praying ineffectively. She just hugged me and prayed over me. Nothing was solved, but I knew I wasn’t alone.

After that conversation, watching and listening to everyone share and laugh and build friendships it dawned on me that I’m not usually surrounded by people this much. Here in Colorado's Collegiate Peaks, I was relishing meeting other dedicated and God-seeking Christians. But lately, I have valued solitude and quiet, over events and activities most days. I realized how much noise I had let in and not necessarily only from other people, it was from within myself. My tendency to compare myself to everyone else stopped me from living in God’s designed path for me. When I think, “but who am I?” I diminish His power in my life. Ceasing moving forward because I’m scared of people’s reactions to stepping out in faith. So many people cast hatred at me before, why wouldn’t they do it again this time? They didn’t even know me, yet stones were launched at me (referencing a different time in my life). Can I handle rejection again? I’m finally in a place where I’m okay mentally, emotionally, spiritually. This noise separated me from My Lord and Savior. I’m not sure I want to subject myself, and my family, to that again.

My worries where taking over.

Thank the Lord for the third day of the trip, when we practiced a Silent Hike. There we go, let’s go God! No noise.

Within a few minutes, I had verse after verse zooming through my mind. I took out my phone, tucked my hiking poles under one arm and started taking notes. The story of Moses and the Israelites replaying again and again. (I’ll share the notes of that flood of verses soon, but here were some “arguments” I had for God’s plan and some examples of how I’m not the first person to question Him.)

What if I step out and I’m not qualified? Exodus 3:12

What if people don’t listen? Exodus 4: 1

What if they argue? Exodus 17:4

What if I’m cast aside? Hebrews 11:24–25

What if I mess up? Jeremiah 29:12-14

Fifteen minutes into the hike and I doubled over crying, not of sadness, but of gratefulness! I heard my Father’s voice and man was it sweet and compassionate and kind. He’s always so kind with me….and funny (but that’s a story for another day). He didn’t shame me for having human emotions and doubt, He called out to me and asked me again, "Will you follow me with everything you have and all that you are?”

“Stand up child. Look up.”

That phrase, I have heard Him say so many times in the week prior. Then, again from our leader during worship the night before. Even before the trip, it came up in my counseling session…with a vision such as I was now standing in.

A few days before the trip I had an appointment with my counselor. She asked me to envision a place where I feel at peace in; Lake Titus. Then, she asked to me to picture myself praying there. I felt so heavy with regret and pain from not being protected. The tears flowed even though I was doing my best to not cry during every session. She then asked me to pick a color that represented Jesus for me and I said yellow/orange. Now, imagine that color light coming down from heaven onto your shoulders and Jesus sitting with you. She asked me, “what happens now?” I cried and responded that He held my hands and said, “stand up child.”

As my fellow backpackers came around me praying over me. I stood up and laugh-cried. “I’m ok. He is just SO GOOD.” I asked if we could stop and pray and there was a resounding “yes!”

There I was, in the mountains, on my knees praying, face to the ground and a friend took this picture. As much as I want to critique the picture, I cherish this image because it’s the moment when God offered me a choice.

Why write this post first as I restart this journey?

Because this moment is where my story veers to the left instead of continuing on the comfortable and easy path. I’ve been Christian in all senses of the word most of my life. But, I’ve held back because of fear. Fear of all kinds. I’ve had a sense of lack in myself and my abilities.

God asked me to pick a path and pick a side on that mountain.

I choose Him.

So, using the same response I gave to my parents in a brief summary of this trip, I give to you as well.

“If it isn’t God’s plan or purpose, I want nothing to do with it. I only want to be with Him.”

I know the shift will take time and I’m doing my best to make space for Him to direct my steps and not force Him to go faster than He wants to. This isn’t easy, nor will everyone agree or like it, but honestly…it doesn’t matter what man thinks of me (Galatians 1:10).

It matters that God knows me and I know His voice. (John 10:27)

On my knees

Are you uncomfortable yet?

Cognitive Behavior Model with Biblical Foundations