dumped
I’ve been dumped over and over again in my life, not by boys or men that I was interested in, although yes, that happened too, but by what I believed were bonds built in friendship. Mostly these groups consisted of women whom I believed I had a strong, true and Godly friendship with. The pain was devastating and raw. Each occurrence was different from the previous but all of the groups ended quite the same; alone, broken, and questioning my worth. The silence when you are the one left can be deafening, and at the same time, thunderous, when I let the enemy break through for just a moment.
I woke up this morning with the push and prodding to get up and be with the Spirit. I haven’t been great at listening, reading His word, or just praying lately. I laid there with my eyes closed talking to Him, thanking Him and asking Him to move in a big way. He gave me the word “dumped.” I immediately knew what I was to write about. The hardest parts of my life, the situations that happened to me over and again or maybe it was because there is something within me that makes it so easy and possible for it to continually happen in my life’s story. DUMPED. Today, I obeyed, got out of bed, grabbed my computer, opened a Google doc and wrote the word “dumped”.
The words didn’t immediately flow like you would think they would when God is telling you to do something. The trauma is deep within and gripping my memories to the point where I don’t believe I can even remember my childhood. It is a running family joke that the four of us (two sisters and my brother) cannot remember much from our childhood. It is a conversation that must break my parents hearts because they are the dream team. Everything you could have wanted in parents, hard working, encouraging, God-seeking, and present. I truly don’t understand why we all seem to be missing chunks of our childhood but I do know we still seek each other so it couldn’t have been horrible since we all still want to be together as much as possible.
I typed what I could remember and then turned to the Bible looking for my favorite verse, Isaiah 41. I couldn’t remember the verse numbers so I just typed “wings” into my Bible app (cause that’s how it is in 2021).
God moved.
My insides are turned inside out;
specters of death have me down.
I shake with fear,
I shudder from head to foot.
“Who will give me wings,” I ask—
“wings like a dove?”
Get me out of here on dove wings;
I want some peace and quiet.
I want a walk in the country,
I want a cabin in the woods.
I’m desperate for a change
from rage and stormy weather.
Psalm 55:4-8
Psalm 55:4-8 came up and gripped my soul. I opened to the whole chapter for context and His answers to all of my prayers were right there. Those people attacking my husband. Those people attacking my kids. Those people attacking me. He will throw them into a muddy bog. He will not let good people go to ruin.
But, but, ….read to the end. Read the last line, because it is powerful. “And I trust in you.” That is the missing piece.
The same words I firmly reminded my husband last night in regards to quitting his job, a place where people attack him daily for their own benefit. A job that financially provides well for us, yes, but it was tearing him down. I pleaded with him to quit and Trust HIM! I don’t know how we will pay for anything on my school salary. I don’t know how I will finish my degree that is required for my job. I don’t know what we will have to sell to make it so we don’t need to sell our home. I don’t know how he will finish his pilot certification. But I pleaded with him to quit. I gave him a sort of ultimatum, 4 months, you have 4 months to quit. I’ve never spoken to him a “do this or else” type of statement. It was scary, but I don’t know what else to do. I pray and pray and he doesn’t hear God clearly enough. “Stop waiting to be in control of all the variables and trust. Stop waiting to have all the answers and the ducks in a row.” I begged. Trust and JUMP.
Clearly, God has been telling me this repeatedly because verses 22-23 were already highlighted. Some lessons are hard learned for me.
Pile your troubles on God’s shoulders—
he’ll carry your load, he’ll help you out.
He’ll never let good people
topple into ruin.
But you, God, will throw the others
into a muddy bog,
Cut the lifespan of assassins
and traitors in half.
And I trust in you.
Psalm 55: 22-23
The Spirit moved again.
Sometimes I listen to praise and worship music in Spanish so I can focus on listening to God instead of the lyrics which can sometimes confuse my situations if I am really honest. The devil can convince me I know the right answer when it was not truly coming from the Lord in that way. The Bible said he would be sneaky, he will use our praise and worship to sow confusion.
In the past few seasons there has been one song that has spoken to me and held me when all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and be alone. New Wine. Today it came on in Spanish. I pulled up the Spanish lyrics to try to follow along. The lyrics repeat and repeat and repeat. It truly is a great song to just be with. The weight of the Spirit on me this morning is wonderfully heavy, physically overwhelming. I remember just saying “I missed you. I missed you. Thank you. Thank you.” over and over again.
Necesito un Encuentro
Song by New Wine
Yo quiero ser uno contigo y compartir en comunion en el lugar santisimo.
Yo quiero ser uno con tigo y compartir en comunion en el lugar santisimo.
Yo quiero ser uno con tigo y compartir en comunion en el lugar santisimo.
Yo quiero ser uno con tigo y compartir en comunion en el lugar santisimo.
Yo quiero ser uno con tigo y compartir en comunion en el lugar santisimo.
Yo quiero ser uno con tigo y compartir en comunion en el lugar santisimo.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo, estar en tu presencia y decir aqui estoy.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo y estar cara a cara con el gran yo soy.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo, estar en tu presencia y decir aqui estoy.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo y estar cara a cara con el gran yo soy.
Con el gran yo soy…
Con el gran yo soy…
Con el gran yo soy…
Con el gran yo soy…
Con el gran yo soy…
Con el gran yo soy…
Con el gran yo soy…
Nada nunca me saciara como tu lo haces, en un encuentro sobrenatural todo fluye de tu trono.
Nada nunca me saciara como tu lo haces, en un encuentro sobrenatural todo fluye de tu trono.
Nada nunca me saciara como tu lo haces, en un encuentro sobrenatural todo fluye de tu trono.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo, estar en tu presencia y decir aqui estoy.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo y estar cara a cara con el gran yo soy.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo, estar en tu presencia y decir aqui estoy.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo y estar cara a cara con el gran yo soy.
Con el gran yo soy…
Con el gran yo soy…
Con el gran yo soy…
Oh oh oh…
Oh oh oh…
Tears and snot running down my face. An ugly cry that has never felt more beautiful to me. I wanted to stay in this moment forever, but kids. I know they will appear soon. Shuffling down the stairs to say “breffast.”
So, I hit the translate button on the lyrics. FULL STOP. The answers from the Spirit were right there. A beautiful cry became tears of praise and overwhelm. Thank you Lord for whatever you are doing. Thank you for hopefully coming in soon to change up everything and make us very uncomfortable. Thank you for showing me Yourself this morning. Please don’t leave me alone. Please don’t allow me to miss your presence for that long again.
I want to be one with you and share in communion in the most holy place.
Yo quiero ser uno contigo y compartir en comunion en el lugar santisimo.
I want to be one with you and share in communion in the most holy place.
Yo quiero ser uno con tigo y compartir en comunion en el lugar santisimo.
I want to be one with you and share in communion in the most holy place.
Yo quiero ser uno con tigo y compartir en comunion en el lugar santisimo.
I want to be one with you and share in communion in the most holy place.
Yo quiero ser uno con tigo y compartir en comunion en el lugar santisimo.
I want to be one with you and share in communion in the most holy place.
Yo quiero ser uno con tigo y compartir en comunion en el lugar santisimo.
I want to be one with you and share in communion in the most holy place.
Yo quiero ser uno con tigo y compartir en comunion en el lugar santisimo.
I need an encounter with the living God, to be in your presence and to say here I am.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo, estar en tu presencia y decir aqui estoy.
I need an encounter with the living God and to be face to face with the great I am.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo y estar cara a cara con el gran yo soy.
I need an encounter with the living God, to be in your presence and to say here I am.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo, estar en tu presencia y decir aqui estoy.
I need an encounter with the living God and to be face to face with the great I am.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo y estar cara a cara con el gran yo soy.
With the great I am …
Con el gran yo soy…
With the great I am …
Con el gran yo soy…
With the great I am …
Con el gran yo soy…
With the great I am …
Con el gran yo soy…
With the great I am …
Con el gran yo soy…
With the great I am …
Con el gran yo soy…
With the great I am …
Con el gran yo soy…
Nothing will ever satisfy me like you do, in a supernatural encounter everything flows from your throne.
Nada nunca me saciara como tu lo haces, en un encuentro sobrenatural todo fluye de tu trono.
Nothing will ever satisfy me like you do, in a supernatural encounter everything flows from your throne.
Nada nunca me saciara como tu lo haces, en un encuentro sobrenatural todo fluye de tu trono.
Nothing will ever satisfy me like you do, in a supernatural encounter everything flows from your throne.
Nada nunca me saciara como tu lo haces, en un encuentro sobrenatural todo fluye de tu trono.
I need an encounter with the living God, to be in your presence and to say here I am.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo, estar en tu presencia y decir aqui estoy.
I need an encounter with the living God and to be face to face with the great I am.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo y estar cara a cara con el gran yo soy.
I need an encounter with the living God, to be in your presence and to say here I am.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo, estar en tu presencia y decir aqui estoy.
I need an encounter with the living God and to be face to face with the great I am.
Necesito un encuentro con el Dios vivo y estar cara a cara con el gran yo soy.
With the great I am …
Con el gran yo soy…
With the great I am …
Con el gran yo soy…
With the great I am …
Con el gran yo soy…
Oh oh oh…
Oh oh oh…
Oh oh oh…
Oh oh oh…
Source: Musixmatch
Now please, go to my husband and speak loudly to him in the same way you spoke truth to me.
A moment soon after my husband came out of the bedroom. “I heard the thunder last night and kept wondering if it would storm soon. Nope. I guess not.”
Maybe honey, the storm won’t come. Maybe we will hear and see it in the distance, but God will shelter us from it. Maybe, we can be next to the storm and just watch it with joy that it is over there, and not consuming us.
